Saturday, December 28, 2013

2013 In Review

Warning: Extremely long post! Because of the length, I have categorized the post into different sections. Read the whole thing, or just a section! You choose! :D Enjoy!

Winter Semester:
This year has been a year full of events! Ups and downs, circles, falls, and flight! I have been through much pain, sorrow, and despair, but also been through much joy, triumph and transformation!

I began the year taking a break from the Elementary Education program because it was too hard at the time and I felt like I needed a breather. So I took a Latin Ballroom dance class, a stress management online class, and a speed reading class along with being in the Latter-day Celebration Choir. I was putting off earning my degree because I was afraid of being a real adult, one that has to take control of their life. One that is in charge. I was afraid of moving out of my comfort zone of being a student where someone else is in charge of me.

Medical Problems:
During this semester, I continued having all the physical pain I had been experiencing the past 2 ½ years with no answers. I decided to go to my primary care physician because all the doctors and tests had brought me back to square one. I was extremely frustrated that I had spent so much money on so many doctors and tests with no answers to show that the emotional roller coaster ride was worth all the tests, doctors, and money. But all I could do was keep searching. My primary care physician pretty much told me he didn’t know what to do but wanted me to try going to a friend of his who is a Physiatrist.
A Physiatrist specializes in the musculoskeletal system. He did more tests, gave me shots, (Which I despise!) and put me through physical therapy. I finally got some answers, not exactly what I wanted, but the answers did some explaining. I had an EMG done which showed that I have carpal tunnel and an MRI which showed that I have a herniated disc and arthritis in two different spots in my neck. That explained the constant headaches I had been experiencing for 2 ½ years, and continue to experience to this day. Because of this, the Physiatrist put me through physical therapy for about 2 months. The physical therapy did absolutely nothing for me. He gave me prescription after prescription and finally I was done with medicine, so I went off everything I had been given by various doctors and decided to start fresh. (Never go off everything at once! It will make your life miserable for some time!). I was able to survive being on nothing and realized that each prescription was just masking a bit of my symptoms, but bringing on other symptoms that made me tired all the time, numbed me, and just made me have no motivation to do anything. I realized that once I went off the medication, I was able to be mindful of everything going on within my body, physically, emotionally, and mentally.  Anyways, I continued going to this doctor and still found no relief. He finally gave me more medication to try for when I needed it most and it has helped a bit. I still suffer from chronic pain to this day.

Spiritual and Emotional Pit:
All through this, I continued my semester of school, taking a break from the program and reality and what was to come. I lived life day to day, doing all that I could to just make it through the day and on to the next. I had no purpose in my life and I was feeling extremely low for much of the first half of the year. Once school ended, I decided I was going to take a break from school through the summer, and the Fall. I was going to just work and do no school. I was too worn out by everything to do anything.  I had lost all hope! Every little inkling of hope that may have been there disappeared! Along with struggling with physical pain, I was struggling with emotional and mental pain due to different circumstances in my life that would take 10 books to explain, so I won’t go there. Anyways, I was also struggling spiritually! I felt completely abandoned by God. I felt like He didn’t care about me and my pain. I felt forgotten and questioned His very existence. Because of all the pain I was experiencing, and the absence of help from God, I became very bitter with Him! I want to share an excerpt of something I wrote in July after going to the doctor, getting some answers, but still leaving with nothing.

“I had much hope that we had found the answers and that all would be well. I did physical therapy for 2 months, went to visit with the doctor, and was left with nothing but an empty wallet and continual pain. Nothing helped the pain. Like I said earlier, I have a feeling nothing will. I ask God for help and all I get is silence. I ask for strength, and all I get is weakness. I ask for peace, and all I get is turmoil. All  of these experiences have caused me to question the very existence of God. How could a loving, all powerful God allow me to suffer so much with no relief. No answers, no peace, and no strength to buoy me up.  Am I not faithful enough, humble enough, righteous enough. There is no more I can do which is leading me to do less. I cannot live for a God that does not and cannot help me. I have asked for His help in any possible way and received nothing.”

Spiritual Reminder
Of course, after writing this, talking to a friend, and finally talking to God, I was wacked up side the head and reminded that God does exist, and that He does care about me. He answered me and let me know that He lets me suffer through so much pain because He knows it will make me strong. He told me I need to trust in His timing and strength. He told me I may not be strong on my own, but as I rely on Him, I will be strong enough to get through each day. After that experience, I felt His strength carrying me through each day! Guiding me through life.

I had decided at the beginning of summer that I was going to take Fall semester off to save some money, and take yet another break from the program. I was still terrified of the “real world.” The last week of July, after my experience with God, I had a very strong feeling that I needed to go to school Fall semester. It was one of the strongest feelings I have ever felt and could not say no to it. So I decided to sign up for school and file for financial aid, knowing I couldn’t go to school without it. I decided to trust God and let Him guide me where I needed to go. I was TERRIFIED of school! I signed up for 15 credits in the program, starting my Senior year of College! Terrifying, I know! Well, after signing up for classes and financial aid, I was surprised to find that my schooling was 100% paid for! I was ecstatic! I did not have to worry about money to pay for tuition because it had been paid for!

Fall Semester
I started school, had a hard semester, but learned so much about myself and my ability to do hard things! I had many projects and presentations, and even started my 3 week experience of student teaching! I triumphed over many battles and came out on top with a 4.0! Just another manifestation that God would carry me through when I didn’t have enough strength to walk through on my own. So that is the majority of my year, but now I need to tell you about the most important part of my year; transformation. This transformation is what allowed me to come out on top and to end the year with a BA BAM!

Writing Journey:
Rewind back to February! In February I went to a concert. Julie De Azevedo. I got there extra early so I could have a good seat, and I went alone. Who would have known that going to that concert was a small event that would change the rest of my life. Since I got there early, I had a lot of time to sit; sit by strangers; and make things awkward if I wanted. But I didn’t want awkwardness, so I decided to talk to the woman sitting next to me so that she would no longer be a stranger to me. He name was Jennifer Griffiths Manges. She was Ms. US Continental 2011-2012. Thought that was cool and we continued to talk. She told me about a book she had written and published a few months before. I told her I had been wanting to write a book but didn’t know where to start, and felt like my book was very personal and didn’t know if I could share it with the world. She gave me a statistic of people who say they want to write a book and people who actually do. I don’t remember the numbers, but there was an extreme difference in numbers between the two. Anyways, the concert went on, we parted our ways, and I didn’t think much of it.

About a month later, I remembered our conversation and decided to find her on facebook to ask more about writing a book. She gave me good information and told me about an “Aspiring Author’s Summit” that her friends were going to be doing in August. She told me she would email me more information when the time came. 

Well, the months went on and I sort of forgot about everything that had to do with writing a book when she emailed me the information. A spark of motivation was lit inside and I decided go check it out since it wasn’t too expensive. I got great information, put it in a folder, and hid it away. But one thing I remembered and kept in the front of my mind was one woman who was the keynote speaker. M Bridget Cook. I noticed and admired her confidence and wanted that same confidence manifested in myself, but didn’t see that happening any time soon. Once the workshop ended, different authors and publishers had tables set up with their work where we could go talk to them and do some networking. I talked to a few authors that were there, including Jennifer. Then I went to talk to Bridget but got scared and decided to just leave and wondered why I had even gone to the summit. I doubted my abilities and decided to put writing my book on hold. Of course that wasn’t going to happen. The Universe was not going to let that happen.

The beginning of October I received an email from Bridget advertising her “Inspiring Writer’s Retreat” the beginning of November and giving a discount to those who had gone to the “Aspiring Author’s Summit.” $500 was the cost. When I received that email, I felt a push, once again, that I needed to do this. As I contemplated whether or not I should go, I thought of everything I could buy for $500. (Being a poor college student and such). But I signed up and hit submit on my paypal. I continued to question whether that was the best idea and started to doubt. But the button had already been pressed, and the money already sent. As the day approached, I had decided that I was going to make the most out of my experience there since I had sacrificed a big amount of money, (for a poor college student) to go. I was scared to death to go to this retreat knowing that I would not know a single person there, that I would have to share lodging with complete strangers, and that I would likely be the youngest one there as well. I was afraid that I was stupid for thinking I could write a book.

Little did I know that this retreat would change my life forever! Little did I know that this retreat would be THE GREATEST experience in my entire life! Literally, the GREATEST! Little did I know that I would have an immediate support system that would be stronger than I had ever experienced in my life. Little did I know what I was capable of doing. I learned more about myself in the three days I spent with these inspiring people, than I have learned in my entire lifetime! I was able to open up, let go, be open to others, and find clarity of what I can do. I didn’t just meet great people, I met my authentic self.

Because of the retreat, I gained a powerful motivation to not only write my book, but to do good in the world and to BE ME. To spread the light within me, and to inspire others to do the same. I learned that I can do hard things, that I can graduate college and be a “real adult” living in the “real world.” But even greater than that, I am courageous, strong, powerful, inspiring, and am doing much good. Before the retreat, I worried so much about what other’s thought of me. It was the fear of what others may be thinking that kept me from doing anything, including just talking to someone I didn't know very well. I was SO afraid of the judgments of others. After letting go at the retreat, and seeing others let go and be authentic, I realized that being myself is SO MUCH FUN! and so much less stressful than hiding! I realized that I don’t need to give a crap what others think about me; it is none of my business what they think. All that matters is what I think, and I think I am pretty awesome!!! I have come a long way this year. The beginning of the year, I thought I was pretty crappy, and now I know the truth! I am Ashleigh, and I love being me! I'm so excited to see what the New Year has in store! The greatest part of this past year are not the events that have taken place, or what I have been able to do, but what I have become! The person I have become is the most important thing from this past year!

Who You Are: Must Watch For Every Woman

This man has it down pat!!! This video is an amazing reminder of who you are!

"you're beautiful, you're smart, you're funny, you're kind, you're unique. You are worthy of love and affection. You're never too much and you're always enough. You're precious, you're a diamond, a rose, a pearl, the most stunning of all God's creation. You're worth more then you can ever imagine. Worth more then the numbers on the scale, or the hair product you use, or the shoes you wear. More then how many girls wish they were you or how many guys wish they had you. More then the price tags on your clothes or the percentage of the top of your maths test or even the number of followers you have on twitter. Your worth surpasses all earthly things, because in the eyes of the Lord God, you are loved and you're worth dying for. Regardless of who you think you're. Whether you model in a magazine or you model pottery with grandma, whether you're on the hot list or the not list, whether you're head cheerleader or high school drop out, whether you're miss popular or you've never had anyone you can call a friend, whether you love your self and love your life or you can't stand to look in the mirror and you feel as if everything in your life is falling apart, whether you're such a winner or you feel like the worlds biggest failure regardless of who you think you're. The reality is that you deserve someone who would give up their life for you, because you're powerful and strong and capable. Read about the women in the bible; Esther, Ruth, Martha, Mary. These women changed the world forever and inside of you, each and everyone of you is a woman with that same power and that same strength and that same world changing capability and your responsibility is to find that woman and to set that woman free. This is who you are and any voices in your mind that tryna tell you differently are from the enemy. And the next time you heard them this is what you say; you say, nu huh, not me Satan, I am a daughter of the living God, cherish, loved and adored above all things, by the creator all things, for the glory of Him, who is greater than all things. I AM AWESOME. And please, don't you forget it!"

You are GREATER Than all things!!!!ALL THINGS! Live that way!

Thursday, December 26, 2013

More Than Just A Dream


I have a dream, but it is more than just a dream. It is a dream that will one day become a reality. Not because of the hope I have in this dream, but the belief, desire, and determination within to make it happen. 

This past year I have had a small desire to write a book. I didn't think it would ever happen, I just thought it would be cool. As the year continued on, I started to meet people, small events started happening, and these people and events led to more people and events that have made my dream seem more like a reality and became an even bigger desire! I now have so many connections that I am so grateful for and that have placed me on the path of authorship! 

I have been amazed at how I have been led to this path and how every step I take down this path leads me to something greater! And this is not because my dream is just falling into my lap. It is because I am doing something. I am going after my dream. I am following where my heart is leading. I am accomplishing great things and am further in the writing process than I ever would have thought I would be! I am actually writing a book!

This dream is not easy! It is going to be a lot of work! But it will be completely worth it! 

What dream are you going after?

Monday, December 23, 2013

Transformation: A Thorough Change

Despite the struggles, storms, and battles that have been thrown at me recently, I decided to write a about how I feel this very moment. I could feel down, I could think negative thoughts, but today, I choose to be happy. I choose to love the person I am, the talents and gifts that I have, and the transformation that is taking place within. 

Life is not perfect, people are not perfect, I am not perfect. As I have learned to accept this fact, life has become so beautiful! As I accept the fact that nothing is perfect, I am able to sit back and notice the beauty in every small part of my life; even the darkest corners that take much courage to go to. 

The times of my life that have brought me the most despair, are the times that have also transformed me into a new being; times that have given me much strength. I am SO grateful for the ability and gift we have to transform. To change. To become stronger. The process of transformation is amazing and will only take place if we are willing to allow it into our lives. 

I have learned that some people don't change; Won't allow change. I have learned that I cannot do anything to change them. The only person I have control over is myself. I know that as I follow my heart, the transformation that will occur in my life will only be good. I will allow change in my life, because the change that has already occurred truly has been amazing!  

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Key To Happiness

I saw this quote today and realized how profound it is and how it relates to my life 100%.  

All my life I have put the key to my happiness in the pocket of someone else.  I have gone to this person for approval, for help, for praise, and for support, and all I have gotten from this person is; disapproval, jealousy, stabs to the heart, and words that have caused a lot of pain. Many wounds. 

I am now realizing this is never going to change. No matter how much I yearn for support or approval, this person will never be happy for what I accomplish or strive to accomplish. 

The more I put the key to my happiness in the pocket of someone else, the more unhappy I will become. 

I need to hold the key to my own happiness and go where my heart leads me. I need to not worry about others, and take my key to the lock that will unlock my happiness, which is my heart, because no one is going to unlock it for me. 

I can be happy! I can do hard things! I can do amazing things! and I will and am accomplishing great things! No one can tell me otherwise! 

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

"Let It Go" Disney's Frozen

What I learned from a Disney Princess!

I have not seen this movie yet, but have still learned a lot from Elsa just from watching these two clips. Elsa had been hiding her powers/gifts from the world which kept her from shining. She did not see how her gifts could be good. She was trying to be someone she was not. She was empty and miserable. 

I have been this person before and, at times, am still trying to get away from this. I have talents and gifts that I hide because I am afraid of what will come about if I use them. I am afraid of what other people might think, or what they might say about me. I am afraid of rejection. I am afraid of failure. But failure will surely come if I don't do anything with what I have. I need to use my gifts and talents and share them. I need to go down MY OWN path and not worry about what others might say, or how they think that my path is not practical. I need to SHINE so that I can be happy. I need to be my authentic self so that I don't feel empty. I need to do what I feel is right, and not what others want me to do. 

Elsa could only keep her gift in for so long. Once she embraced her gift and let go, she had no limits to what she could do. Some of the lyrics went straight to the center of my soul. This is how I want to feel I want to be able to "Let It Go" and reach far beyond the stars. So... 

"Here I stand, and Here I stay! 
Let the storm rage on!" 

"Let it go, let it go.

Can't hold it back anymore.

Let it go, let it go.
Turn away and slam the door.

I don't care what they're going to say.

Let the storm rage on.
The cold never bothered me anyway.
It's funny how some distance, makes everything seem small.
And the fears that once controlled me, 
can't get to me at all

It's time to see what I can do, 

to test the limits and break through.
No right, no wrong, no rules for me. I'm free!"

I am free! I don't need to worry about right or wrong, I just need to be me! I just need to go, share what I have, and inspire others. We all have gifts. If we could all just "Let It Go" we would all be happy! There would be no judgement, and no worrying about judgement. I am done listening to others! I am done worrying about what others think, and I am beginning to listen to the most important being, my HEART! I know my heart will not lead me astray! 

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

All He Had: Tribute to Christmas

I just saw this video today and it touched my soul. As we give all we have, we will be blessed beyond measure because what you have to give will bless those around you beyond measure. 

Jesus Christ also gave all He had for you and for me to free us from pain.  The only way we can give back to our Savior, Redeemer, and Friend is to give all we have! All our talents, gifts, abilities, anything to build others up and to free others from pain! Our Savior is the greatest example of love! As we follow Him and His plan for us, give all we have, follow our heart, we will be happy!

Saturday, November 30, 2013

What Is The Purpose of My Life?

What is the purpose of life? Sometimes life can knock you down, and you wonder why. Why is life so hard? Why are so many negative things happening? Why me? What did I do to deserve this? I cannot handle this! We have so many negative thoughts about life when life throws us curve balls and shoves us down to the depths of despair; depths so deep that at the moment of despair it seems impossible that we could ever climb out of the depths and stand on level ground.

I am here to tell you that if you are in a trench so deep that you cannot even see light, it is possible to get out! It may not be easy, but it is possible. Darkness is not fun! The negative things in life are not fun! But darkness, tribulation and negative events are needed to grow, develop, and fly high above the trenches you were once in. 

I have been in many dark places throughout my young life. Places I would never want to go back to. Places so dark, I wanted to end them right then and there. But I stayed strong and kept moving forward, hoping that one day I would see even a fragment of light. It was little flashes of light along the way that gave me the strength to hold on for just one more day. I had to take life one day, and sometimes even one step, at a time. In these moments, the question of, "What is the purpose of my life?" runs rampantly through the head. "Why should I do _____ if _______ is just going to happen? If all this trials are going to be thrown at me, why should I even move forward?" 

You NEED to live! You NEED to keep moving forward and let these trials change you! Going through the hard times of life, it is sometimes hard to see what you could offer the world, but these trials are just preparing you to change the world and to do things you never saw possible. 

The trials I have had have been the hardest things I have ever had to face, but looking back at them, I am grateful for the person I have become because of them. I see that I could not be this person without the specific trials I have had to face, fight, and triumph over. 

I used to hate myself, literally despise the person I was. I LOVE myself now, and it is not just because I randomly started loving who I was. The love I have for myself came from the trials in my life and the trenches I was stuck in. The trenches I had to fight to get out of. The trenches that took all my strength and power to get out of. And yes, I got out of the trenches, but because of the strength I gained from climbing out, I am not just standing over the trench, but I am soaring high in the sky. Seeing the beauty that is surrounding the trench I was once in, contemplating whether to move forward or not. So move forward, persevere through whatever you have to face today, and take it just one step at a time. You can do it! Your life has so much purpose. You will see your purpose only if you continue forward until the day you will soar high above and see why you are here, and how you can change the world! Just one step.


Friday, November 29, 2013

Don't Expect, Accept!

I do not know how many times in my life I have expected something, and when that something didn't happen, I became extremely disappointed.  Life can be hard, circumstances can be hard, but as we accept our circumstances, we are able to find joy in the moment and not be disappointed when our expectations not met. 

I have found that the only thing I have control over is the here and now. I do not have control over the past, and I do not have control over the future,but I do have control over this moment. The now. So what am I going to do with the now? I am not perfect, nor will I ever be, but I can strive to be my best self the "now" will allow. I can strive to be okay with my imperfections that I have within the "now." Imperfections only mean room for improvement. When you expect perfection, you will only find disappointment. When you accept imperfection, you allow yourself to grow and fly higher than ever imagined. 

I have learned from mistakes I have made, disappointment I have felt, and the impossibility of always trying to be perfect crushing me. Not a fun place to be! It is impossible to be perfect, so why do we expect perfection within ourselves? 

I have learned that all I truly can control is the now. As I have learned to accept what I cannot control, and use what I can control for my benefit, I have found that accepting is so much more freeing than expecting. 

Yes, we can have dreams and reach for the stars, but we do not know exactly what the future holds, so we need to accept the now, and work towards what we want in the future. As we work towards our dreams, we will get some of what we may expect, but we will also have unseen events, change in circumstances, loss, and pain that may all stunt our progress. We need to learn to allow these roadblocks to work within us to make us better than we would have ever been without them! When difficult times arise, and they will, we need to choose now to allow them to benefit us, and not allow them to destroy us.