Sunday, November 23, 2014

Because of Him

Today brings a lot of reflection as I prepare to move, again. Moving always brings the opportunity to find things from the past that bring memories and reflection. Today I began reading my missionary journal from 4 and a half years ago. I cannot believe that it was over 4 years ago I left Provo, UT to start a journey in New York. The day I left my family was the beginning of a long, treacherous journey of pain; both physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. A journey through fire, refinement, and transformation. A journey from what I saw as a good life and being thrown down to the rock bottom pit of despair. A journey through hell. My mission was not a good experience. It was actually the beginning of one of the worst experiences of my life. As I read my journal, I began to relive the painful moments of the past. Every day was hard. Excruciating. I saw the pain I experienced every day, the person I was 4 and a half years ago. And then I came home early from my mission which only made things worse emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally. I experienced an overload of pain. I lost all faith in myself, and my Heavenly Father. I doubted His very existence. Coming home began an even more treacherous journey back to health. This is when I hit the absolute bottom of the pit of despair. I will not go into detail about the long journey, but I just want to say that I am grateful for hitting rock bottom. I am grateful that my Heavenly Father did not keep me from feeling the pain I felt. I am grateful my Heavenly Father loved me enough to let me have the experiences I had because I truly am a different person. I am not the same person I was 4 years ago. I am so much more confident in myself, in my abilities, and in my Heavenly Father. I also gained more confidence in my Savior as I began to allow Him to give me strength as I suffered through my pain. As I look back at the person I was 4 years ago, and then look at the person I am today, I see my Heavenly Father's hand guiding me through it all and my Savior carrying me when I could not walk. There was a point in my life I thought God was not there, that He had either forgotten about me, or didn't even exist. Because of my experiences, I now recognize that He has been by my side through my darkest and most painful experiences. It is because of my Heavenly Father and Savior I am where I am today. It is because of my Savior I was able to overcome the obstacles that were placed in my way. It is because of Him I have increased strength. It is because of Him and His love for me I am alive today. I am so grateful for my Heavenly Father and his guiding hand in my life. I am grateful for my Savior in leading me on the path back to Him. I look forward to where he is guiding me with this next move. Coming to Las Vegas has been one of the hardest, but best experiences of my life. I know my Father in Heaven led me here as part of my divine mission. I know He is an integral part of my life.  I could not live this life without Him, so I will do all I can to recognize and allow Him to be a part of my life. He is everything. Because of Him, and my Savior, I am more than I could ever be! I am so grateful for their presence in my life, forever and always!

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